It's been a while! Some mothering thoughts...

I haven't been doing much (any?) personal blogging the last few months...Well, I have but privately. What precious moments I get to write I have been trying to focus on my goals...I have been trying to stay centered.

I am now writing my personal goals and Intentional Parenting stuff over at mamaOjoy (I also have a FACEBOOK PAGE)- I would eventually like to have other contributors to that blog. I have some things I would like to share, and reach out to other young Mamas...I would like to network too. But all in good time. It just felt lead to set it up, having time to actually do any thing with it? Ha.

Introspection is an ugly rabbit hole I have tried to avoid. But lately, I've been in a a bit of a funk. I don't think it is PPD, though I think I have been fending that off a bit too. My nutrition, sleep, exercise, supplement thing has been kind of off the last few weeks (read I am pretty deep in debt when it comes to sleep) + a super hectic schedule...Yeah, I need to recenter...Like, constantly recenter....Every hour breath, apologize, or just breath...And recenter.

In general things have been going really well around home. When they are good, they are very very good. When they are bad...It is feels like this kind of scary overwhelming deal.

Adjusting to parenting three children...I don't mean to sound like a broken record, or like the only woman to ever have three children. But WOW! Yeah, IT IS SO HARD!!! I don't know how my Mom did three kids 3 and under (and then 5 kids 9 and under! YIPES!)! Three kids 4 and under is SO HARD (did I say tat already? Yeah, oh well). I think the hardest part is still being a "new" Mom...It's not like I have all this figured out! I mean, I have read a lot. I have 3 very different children... I have come so far. But with each new stage each child reaches I feel like I am starting from scratch- especially with Roo (my oldest).

I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have been reading some "AP" blogs and Gentle Parenting blogs and I walk away feeling kinda low...Seriously, so attachment parenting is all sunshine and daisy's for you? You were so attached that you never dealt with ...well, my life. The tantrums...the screaming...These big ugly feelings? You know, feeling like- well like I am failing this parenting gig.


Okay, I am not failing. But those blogs, not so good for me when I get to this place.

Enter lesson I have been learning the past few weeks, I need to keep my eyes on my own work. These are my kids. This is my journey. This is who I am and I can't change that...I need to embrace it.

No checklists...just treasures...

I am me. Either put together, or falling apart. Very late, or way too early. Spacey (but only because my brain is going 100 different directions in the midst), slightly spastic, quiet, still, chatty, know-it-all-ish, wise, shallow and deep, friendly, kind, moody, loving, caring, open (I hope), ME.

I have been looking at where I am in comparison to those around me (in real life and via cyberspace [do people still say that? I just did...]) and feeling kind of low.

We're about to make some big changes...Really big. And while I know these changes are exciting... They are good... This is just a step in whatever... I feel isolated in these new places we are going.

But I need to keep my eyes on my own work. God keeps telling me, "BE NOW"...Be NOW!! BE NOW!!! (well, not so much bad cheer leader...More quiet and gentle- like a warm hug) Whenever I have totally lost it and hurt my girls (feelings/our relationship) I hear it whispered "Be NOW".

You know where NOW is? In the center of Grace. In Him my past is gone...That second ago, gone...Gone....Gone!!!! All He see's is my NOW. BE NOW. What am I going to do based on that wonderful revelation? Be NOW. Keep my eyes on my own work. And my work is saying "YES" to Him. One yes at a time.

Roo picked me some weeds, I mean FLOWERS the other morning... She was down in the front yard and every few minutes she would run up to our apartment with her hands behind her back and she would say "I have some thing for me" ...And I would act very curious and say "What!! What do you have for me?" She would pop her little handful of weeds flowers from behind her back and say "I picked these for you, because I love you."

This is my story. I can choose to look at the weeds...Or I can view the true flowers hiding beneath. Parenting my children isn't what I thought it would be. This is so hard and overwhelming. No one else has to understand. It is okay to do things my way. I need to stop judging myself. BE NOW.

Because you know what? Being present and thankful can make simple weeds....Into a beautiful bouquet...

And I am so glad i took these pictures! When I was taking them I thought "Yes, I am strange for taking pictures of weeds...But my children gave them to me...And look, a little lesson came from them!" Yay, God.

May is Almost over!

It has been a wild ride the past four months, this three littles thing. In other words, three children in 4 years (and 1 month), kicking our behinds. It was not what we set out for, we wouldn't necessarily have chosen it, but we wouldn't trade it for the world! It is this wild, unsettling, some times (okay, a lot) chaotic ride. We are enjoying our three little people so very much. Even on the days where if seems like some one is always (and I mean ALWAYS) talking, crying, whining, humming, saying my name over and over, wailing, grunting...There is always always noise... commotion...Movement...and NOISE!

Fun times.

I thought I would update us on life.

ROO:

4 Years and 5 months old: She can write her entire name...And almost any word if you tell her what order to write the letters (in other words, she knows all her letters!). She can skip with both feet, summersault head of heels over and over and over. She is learning to jump rope...And she still loves to hula hoop and can keep it going for almost a minute when she is "in the zone". :0) She can some times hit a ball with a bat when Daddy throws for her and she loves to run and dance- and be active.

She is, as always, a sweet empathetic and thoughtful person. But she is coming into her own more and more...She has new boundary lines that won't be crossed (with her younger sister especially). She has new concepts that she is exploring and boundaries she is pushing. In other words? This is a bit of a challenging stage. On the flip side, she has an insatiable curiosity. I struggle to embrace her favorite word "WHY", to help her find answers (or give them to the best of my ability!). She likes to talk and often has a constant stream of information she seems to be processing.
A new side of Roo is coming out, a quiet introspective side. She likes activities that allow her to sit and think. She prefers to be at home with her magnadoodle, markers, crayons and oodles of paper.

The girl could draw all day. She loves any thing "crafty" especially if it involves glue and pain and glitter! She is friendly and thoughtful, organized and intentional...As always enamored by her new baby sister and would kiss her all day long if she could. It is so fun to see new angles of her personality.

Friendly: 2 years and 9 months (and change).

Oh this girl!!!!

This picture sums it up better:

This Best...

Or perhaps this gives you a peek...

She is a character. She... She loves to wrestle...She is strong in every way.. Loud in every way (sadness, anger, joy...she is ALL out there!), She can gallop, she loves to dance, crack jokes (she has an uncanny sense of humor for 2!), she is starting to draw (or try to) different shapes, she knows all her colors and recognizes many of her letters and numbers, she loves to dress up any thing shiny or frilly she is all into it!

She marches around in these too-big "fancy" shoes with necklaces and bracelets galore. She is very gentle and loving with her baby sister, loves to snuggle and hold Pip and spends every afternoon after her nap snuggling with her.

 She loves to be out and about...Loves playing with other children. She has also recently really gotten into being read to (the whole book, not just a page...Very satisfying). She gets really into the stories. She likes stories especially about little children like her, learning new things. Both girls have recently discovered a love of "books on tape" - it has made nap time a cozy daily ritual of putting on their favorite story (Katie and the Big Snow).

They both also love to help around the house...Their favorite "chore" is hanging up the cloth diapers for me.

The also enjoy unloading the silverware out of the dishwasher (they do a better job with that). :0D

PiP
4 Months Old today!

What to say about our amazing baby? She is TEETHING sooo HARD! She has her front incisors and eye teething coming in and she is chewing on every thing furiously. But apart from the teeth making it a bit hard for her to fall asleep, she is doing so well. She is such a little lover. She loves her sisters. She is rolling both ways well and getting around "inch worm style" when left on the floor. She is also sitting independently (though topples so needs to be on a soft surface!)

She is a grinny, happy, deep little person

Some other favorite pictures from this month...

We switched bedrooms! The girls have the larger bedroom, and more play space now!

Playing with baby sister!

Quiet Puzzle Play

 

baby in a bag

My First Mother's Day Card addressed by one my children (with real  letters)

Making Dirt Angels...Guess whose idea this was?

3 Months and 2 weeks

Sissy Love

She loves to play with toys!

Rainy Day Play

My Status update from that day: 

 A walk in the pouring rain, to "jump in puddles" with a 3 mos old (in carrier), 2 littles, and 3 umbrellas - during rush hour (lots of buses and cars): not my brightest idea ever. Like herding a bunch of blind and deaf ducks through a logging river.

We were safe...we were painfully slow...we got soaked...we had fun. Next time the umbrellas stay home #nervewracking

So... I think I am caught up!!

80/20 Diet...Erm, Parenting.

I guess you could say that I am a person of high ideals. I had this idea of motherhood, ideals for myself, what I would be..what my kids would be.

This last year, parenting has been hard. Mainly because my kids have challenged my ideals...or should I say, reality has.

balance

I remember when Roo was a young toddler, how many big thoughts, theories and ideals I had for my parenting journey. I had a lot of "I would nevers" as well as some, "I will always" on my list. I can't say I had many "My kids would/will nevers..." on my list, because of Roo's babyhood (she was high needs) I knew there wasn't much I could control about THEM.
 But my list for me went something like...
I would never hit [aka spank] my kids...
 I would never yell like that...
 I will always put my kids developmental stages in perspective...
 I will never just hand out a punishment with out getting the big picture...
oh yeah, I will never punish...natural and logical consequences only!
 I will always be respectful of my children, they are people and deserve my respect.

  In my deeply set and untried convictions, I stood (self) righteous.

And then reality slapped me in the face

The grueling work the under 5 crew. The constant needs, demands, tantrums...The feelings of failure, frustration, shock, anger. The roller coaster that is one hour in the day. The constant-ness that is being a Mom of toddlers. Especially if youronly vocation IS caring for your kids. Add some pregnancy hormones and eventually a baby wedged in and pressing down there...And ultimately learning to balance life with a newborn: yikes. Reality bites.

 Humility steps in, and you are covered with the realization that reality and convictions aren't black and white. You'll make mistakes in moments you never could have fathomed. You'll wonder if you and your children will come out on the other side of this infuriating and exhausting stage with your relationship intact. If they will remember the hours you spent on walks enjoying their company and funny amazing thoughts. The hours of playdoh, the books read together, the trips to the playground. Will they remember, you wonder, if the hours of your voice singing to them in the dark of their room? You sang and sang, while they tossed and turned, and your voice went hoarse.

Or will they remember when you lost it and yelled for the 5th time that morning...When you screamed at them, when you totally knew better, and wanted to do better.

In the very bad weeks, you wonder why the heck you signed up for this. And start to question if there is a better way...You run through all the scenarios, all the things you could change.. Go back to work, keep them home, have Daddy become the stay at home parent. And its always good to reevaluate regularly, to get perspective.

But maybe, you need to swallow the humble pie and the lessons learned. The biggest lesson being, you need some grace too.

I think I've failed all my "I would nevers". I see, looking back, my pride  I am not one to judge in a black and white sense. But in my mushy grey way, I would make judgements. I would feel sad for the poor unenlightened parent. And then reality wore me down, dealing with the same mind numbing and frustrating scenarios day after day...Night after molar-teething-sleep-deprivation-torture after molar-teething-sleep-deprivation-torture night.

The reality? We can't judge anyone... I know we want something concrete. We, or I should be using *I* for all of my yous (but I wanna hide and hope I'm not alone, okay?)..I want to know This is how it IS. You do X...You get Y. But children aren't math equations, and some days just suck.

 Some times you just snap. Damn the tool box!!! BAH! to respect!  This kid is driving me CRAZY!!! And you fail, big time.


My point... you can focus on your failures, or you can celebrate your triumphs.

Celebrate the times where you handled the squabble with your preschoolers in a hands off respectful way. The time you all walked away with new knowledge and prepared for the next time.

Celebrate the fact that your 4 year old trusts you enough to tell you to "take a breath" when she can see you're frustrated. And you do, and you strengthen relationship instead of demean. 

Celebrate when you remember to breath and slow down and embrace the chaos.

When you listen first and speak softly.

Celebrate getting through a bad day, even if the only thing you have is that tomorrow is a, "fresh day with no mistakes in it". Don't worry about the "yet"!

Hold your ideals. But in the end,  LOVE. Celebrate love. And love other parents you see struggling. Love them and keep your judgmental thoughts in check. Love them, because that's where they are at in that moment.

It is because of love that our kiddos are so forgiving. Their forgiveness blows me away. Your fumbling and bumbling wont break it...If you're doing your best to love.

It's kind of like a good diet. They say if you eat 80% really great stuff, you will still thrive when 20% not so great is present.

I'm applying that to parenting. 80% love and 20% grace. You're doing a great job.

Keep loving...yourself too!

Breath.
Take time for yourself.
When all else fails, use TV.
Kidding.

Not.
The end.

Who couldn't lovethis?

Remembering...

Today is 8 years since that traumatic day. It was a beautiful sunny and especially warm San Francisco Sunday. I had just had an extra special -emotionally draining morning at a church in the Castro. Little did I know how spent the end of the day would really find me. I remember the call...my Moms frantic voice..."I couldn't wake your Father..He just wouldn't wake up ...I'm following the ambulance ...I'll call soon." I remember, numb. Tears. Prayers. Hugs. Packing. Crying all night long o. Flights...zombie walking and waiting in Airports My Daddy was in a coma. My life ended that day... I came home to ICU waiting rooms, family and friends waiting, tubes, respirators. Staples in his skull. I planned to stay 6 months...take my Dad to treatments to be home base ..help where I could. I never returned to SF. Hubs happened ...Roo happened. Friendly...and eventually Pip too. But in the middle, there was Jacob..he was still in me this time last year, our last few hours together before the pain started...and he left me, this itty bitty ...well I won't get graphic in his departure. I miss my baby. I miss my Dad, especially watching sweet Pip and wishing he was here with my Mom spoiling his 3 grandgirls. The anniversary of his diagnosis always hits me harder than that if his actual death. It feels even harder now with the anniversary of baby J. But if anything it drives home the comforting truth...he is getting one of his enjoy his grandbabies. I hope he's giving baby J a kiss with his tickaly beard, and I hope he knows how much they are both missed.

Just Keep Swimming...

It's Friday...Friday...

Okay I won't go there. But I am definitely looking forward to the weekend. 

Ahem.

I made it through my first week of over-time..erm... of hubs working over time. Those 11 hour days with the kids, brutal. By Friday evening I am struggling with perspective. Really, finding perspective seems to be the story of my life right now...

And it does come to me... There is nothing like watching Roo girl with Pip. NOTHING. The child is infatuated, twitterpated. She also can't wait until Pip is big enough to play with, and some times forgets to be as gentle as is necessary...But all in all, their interaction (Pip smiles her way the most!) It's beautiful. 

This one is having a bit more of a hard time with a baby in the house... 2.5years is a hard spacing, I wouldn't change it, but I hope to never repeat it. That said Friendly truely LOVES the baby...She is very gentle with the baby. She spends a lot of time with me and the baby. She loves to rub her cheeks against Pips head. She loves to help me burp "our baby". But it is a challenge to find the emotional energy for this very outward thinking little person. And I have been having an especially challenging time because Pip isn't exactly an "easy" baby. 

5 weeks old

She's not a screamer, and for that I will be eternally grateful. My ears, emotions, and soul can't handle that. But she knows what she wants...My kind of girl. And what does she want? Milk. Quiet. And stillness...Yes, stillness. She doesn't take well to being moved when she's at the tap (so to speak). I can't nurse her in a sling like I did with Friendly as a newborn...I can't really move at all with out her popping off and screaming (and my milk then spraying her in the face and dripping all over the place). She loves milk and snuggles and she doesn't like all the up and around that is required of Mommie with her newly 4 year old and a 2.5 year old needing me too. 

This too shall pass, right?

I am so thankful she isn't a screamer. But her fussing and pouty lip, her frustrated nursing when she is overtired...Not easy. I do my best to be responsive, but I gotta say- I doubt I'm bringing any "attachment parenting" awards home. 

This girly likes it CHILL...Our house is so not chill. I also need to say, I am so thankful she's not my first. The hours she fusses at the breast (and she has several hours of the day - though not  a set time like the other girls- where she is FUSSY about her milk) I think I would have thought some thing was wrong. SO thankful for my hard experiences with Roo and that I know all babies have different styles of fussy nursing... But glad I haven't experienced this caliber until #3...Okay, maybe not. 

Where was I? Oh, Perspective. It's hard to keep it in place. It's hard to face your limits. To accept where you're at, and hope for a smoother path ahead. 

This postpartum time has been such a gift. Hunkering down with my kids and keeping life very basic, taking this winter time to be home and reflect and adjust...It's been really good for me. I am so glad it's not the height of spring and I'm out running around. I need this time to process. 

I am seeing new things about my girls...Like, Roo and I do so much better in our interactions (and attitudes towards eachother) when we can enjoy each other outdoors. We both thrive on that. 

I am also seeing how very similar we are, she's a hard little nut to crack and I am seeing her with different lenses lately. I think we're so much a like we confuse each other some times. More on that another time.

For now, I'm enjoying our slow pajama days... staying ahead of the sleep deprivation...And taking it easy when I feel it might catch me. I'm thankful they are all so close together in age: that no one is needing me to take them to school, or rush them off to extracurricular activities. 

It's just us in our bubble, and that's been nice. 

But ... Spring is coming....

I can't wait...

Unconditional Love...Ponderings on Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves... Part ONE

"Parenting is a path of maturation and growth if we dare to learn more and teach less."

~Naomi Aldort

I have been working my way through the book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy by Naomi Aldort

I gotta say, this book is challenging my socks off. I am only a few chapters into the book and I have been humbled and challenged. I struggle with feelings. I have had a LOT of growth over the last 5 years. I have gone from a very emotionally constipated person, to some one who can generally accept all my feelings (small and nice, big and ugly) with maturity. But it's a slow process, and I generally need some time to work them out internally. I still struggle in the heat of the moment, especially if other people are having a lot of feelings too.

Which leads me to my children... Their feelings overwhelm me. I am not making excuses for myself, but I can see from a logical side why this is, personality. One of the unique things about my personality type (MyersBriggs: INFj) is that I can be an emotional sponge. Some might say God gave me an extra giant dose of empathy...I literally feel what they feel. When they get sick, I physically feel their pain (or nausea, or aches). When they have big feelings, and I am in a place where I haven't taken enough time for myself to process and work out some "backed up" feelings of my own...When I am already struggling to work every thing out, or at least do damage control, I can't handle what they are feeling. I almost feel a bit of panic, like it's personal. They are dumping more on me! I don't want to know! I want it to stop NOW!! And I don't mean maybe. I shut down my empathy mode completely and become hard. In order to protect myself my main emotion becomes anger. Often times I just lose it, I get loud. I try to scare them (not on purpose, but when I step away this is essentially what I'm doing!) I demand that they stop feeling. STOP!!! I can't handle your feelings, I can't handle MINE right now- I don't like them. And those noises you are making are HORRIFIC. CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!
 
It's every thing I didn't want for my children. I want to raise emotionally healthy adults. People who know how to accept and handle their feelings appropriately. Adults who don't "stuff" and ignore their feelings until they are so constipated that they lose it.

I'm not really accomplishing  that goal right now. At all.

And with two (well...three but she's a bitty yet!) VERY passionate, strongly individual, and extremely emotional girls...We have a LOT, and I mean a LOT, of feelings flying around in an hour..Let alone a day!
 
  I'm not going to defend myself here, or explain away bad parenting. Let's just say- there is grace- and I want to make changes.

Which leads to me lessons I'm learning from having a newborn in the house.

This peanut feels a lot. Even in her sleep her face is the full spectrum of expressions...When she's in light sleep grimaces, smiles, frowns, scowls, and pouty lips all run across her face in the matter of seconds.

I don't get angry at her for crying. I love to make her feel safe and happy. I can't make her stop her feelings, even if I wanted to! She is what she is, and it's a joy to hold her and take care of her. And even when she's upset and I can't help her- it's frustrating, but I never feel angry or like I'm doing some thing wrong (it's nice to be a 3rd time Mom! I like how much more relaxed I am...Just sayin).

But when she's up at 4a.m. crying because she is a bit gassy and needs to poop (hey, every body does it!) and I can't make it happen. I'm at peace, I'm tired, and wish I could do it for her...But I'm at peace. When did I lose that? When did I lose that unconditional love for my older two?

And what steps do I need to take to get it back?


And that's where I'm being challenged. Over the next several posts I'd like to explore practical ways that this is playing out (internally and externally) in my life.

More to come in Part TWO

Potpartum Recovery; Third Time Around the Block...

I can't believe Piper is a week old! This past week has been my favorite. Don't get me wrong... I'm sore. My stomach muscles ache, after pains have been intense (they say they get harder with every baby, it's true...whoa!), and my goodness- milk coming in- my body doesn't joke around! As my wonderful husband put it, "I wouldn't want to ship those things!" (yes, he works in shipping and receiving...his idea of a joke...He's lucky I actually found that both horrifying and funny). This week has been kind of: a new pain every day. But oh my goodness, I've been enjoying it.


One of the things that was really important to me this time was recovery. Getting time to let my body recover and REALLY rest.

My first baby: a cesarean birth... Followed abruptly 3 days pp by a horrific cold and sore throat. Ryan returned to work a few days after we left the hospital ...And I was alone, with a newborn, and a cold, and a giant ugly stapled and bruise horribly painful belly. And stairs: lots of stairs. Add to that gall bladder attacks keeping me up all night every night for weeks and weeks (barfing on a cesarean incision: Horrible doesn't even start to describe...Why weeks and weeks? I thought I had developed reflux... went on meds for reflux...The pain [thanks to the pregnancy shifting things] wasn't presenting in the "gall bladder" area of my body...live and learn).  But the pregnancy had been so miserable I just wanted to get back to normal... I was out shopping at Target 4 days postpartum... I landed myself in the hospital for a week 10 weeks in because I was taking such rotten care of myself. My liver was failing and I had to have 2 surgeries.  Oh, and I caught the flu there. Coughing (with the flu!) on both a fairly fresh c/s incision and on 4 new (laproscopic, but still) incisions on my abdomen. HELL.
3 weeks later I was travelling and bowling...By 6 mos out I was BURNT OUT. By 12 mos postpartum, I was beyond burnt out and 2 months pregnant with #2.

Would I learn?

I thought I had. But I hadn't.

 With Friendly, my first vaginal birth, OIYE. Imagine giving birth for the first time, and having a 1 year old to take care of. While Ryan was home for the first week and my Mom was around the second week- at least part of the time. I was just not in a great place recovery wise. I was up and around with in a day or two- my bleeding was extremely heavy... I felt very alone and isolated. It took me MONTHS to feel recovered, especially down there. And I hadn't torn (though Friendly had left a giant "skid mark" up internally - probably from her hand coming down)!

After that experience I promised myself, never again...My body deserves rest after that hard work. I deserve to be alone to process and prepare for the intense weeks ahead (aka when real life returns and we start to find the "new normal").

I insisted (and my husband fully supports) that I get 2 weeks to lay in bed and rest and recover.
This first week has been heavenly... I have done nothing but lay in bed and nurse my baby...and also hang out with my bigger kiddos.

Next week will be a bit more patchy as Ryan has to get some hours in at work. My Mom will be filling in where he has to be gone... And I might have to kind of ease into real  life a bit more...But I intend to soak up the rest and bed-time until then.

I know this isn't an option for most Mama's today... And I know culturally people ask me 'WHY?'...Others say "pregnancy isn't a disease, women squat in the field- give birth - and head right back to work all the time."

And you know what- after giving birth to Piper: I can see how that is possible. I feel fantastic...Okay, I'm sore...But if I had to go back to harvesting a field- I could do it.

But I also feel like, sure that happens- but is it BEST? I know I'm not under Old Testament Law, but I think it's very interesting how big and strict of a guide line God laid out for His people when it comes to the postpartum period: He said Boy: 33 days of rest. Girl: 66 days of rest.

During this time the women, from what I undertand, were to be cared for and kept off in her tent, any one who touched her was also ceremonially unclean for a certain numbers of days. I don't know a ton about it...I'd be very interested to hear more in how this was practically carried out. And obviously that isn't necessary anymore. But I think there is some thing to be said for how God views this special time: birth is hard work and women not only need, but deserve, rest. A time where she isn't required (she's not allowed!) to be places or running around. He built it into their very culture. 

All that to say, I feel great...And I have had to be intentional with this time to stay down even (despite minor aches and soreness) when I feel good. This is my personal conviction. My instincts are screaming: your body deserves this investment. I can't literally take 66 days to "lay in my tent". But I'm going to take 14-18days and lay low. I will ignore the mess, I will not cook every day (or at all, right now), I will let my children run around half naked and watch TV as much as they like. I will allow the laundry to remain in unfolded piles- at least it's clean! I will shield my eyes from messes, I will ask for help when they get to be too much, and I embrace this season with a newborn.  I was in a sleep deprived and very bad place with my last two babies. My family suffers when I am not at my best... They do not suffer when I say "I need this time, what can we do to meet every ones needs?"...And that will look different day to day...It will definitely mean a lot of me parenting from a seated or reclined position.

I was afraid of appearing weak with my other two babies... Of looking like birth was too hard for me...Like I couldn't bounce back. And you know what? Birth IS hard for me...I (in the past) haven't bounced back well... Sure, I can't wait to get back to chasing after my kids (after months of being super pregnant, holidays, laboring for weeks - I miss the old "us"ness), to going to parks and on adventures, to feeling normal and "back to normal"...I can't wait for every thing to get back to normal. But to really go into the next new (big) season of my life: I need to set this intention. I deserve to rest. To lay in bed nursing my new baby and watching netflix and reading. I deserve this time- after doing the biggest hardest thing a human can do: build a baby in less than a year: and then birth it!): I deserve rest...I need to prepare.

And so I am.

She said it best when it comes to postpartum recovery. over at The Leaky B@@b: A Time To Heal

I look back at my first two babies and I feel sad...I wish I had some one tell me to "chill out...relax...the cleaning, laundry, projects, and running around can wait...BE with your baby, they grow SO fast...And your body needs the rest NOW...This isn't a sprint! Baby's first year is a marathon of work."

we're just a little in love!!

I am embracing this time with Piper...Even when the trash is overflowing, or the sink is full of dirty dishes (life happens!)...I am going to walk away...And snuggle and sniff my newborn, and read books and snuggle my big babies and really be present ...Really  try and be super present..Because I'll blink and it will be passed...Really.

I'm just going to chill out.